something's missing.....

found the "average" internet post in Akaroa which i found last time i was here.. it's been good times since i've been up here.. sort of different pace compared to what i've been experiencing for the last 5 weeks in Cromwell.. more relaxed.. i seem more reluctant to do stuff.. it's good that u don't have to worry abt having to wake up at 6.30 in the morning to get ready for work.. still p exhausted from all the exertions over there.. had a long nap yesterday afternoon after reaching our bach in Takamatua Bay.. just shows how tired i am.. even my shoulder hurts trying to skim stones across the water.. i'm glad i'll be resting and relaxing during Christmas, think my body deserves it..

does feel like something's missing though.. yesterday went to Christchurch City Elim coz my mum and dad wanted to kill two birds with one stone : go to church and see Gail and Ian Brown.. during worship, Pastor Kelleher said to let the Holy Spirit fill the holes in your life that have been left by those who u have lost, and there was this big hole in my life which got filled big time, and i just couldn't stop crying.. deep down, i was v sad and lost...

it had sunk in that i wasn't going to see a very special friend for a long time, and certainly not as often as i had for the last 3 years... it had dawned that her time was over and it was time to let go.. but it was p hard for me to do so as it is for everyone.. i have to admit this was prob the hardest of all the farewells i've had to do, even though it didn't seem like it at the time... but hours and days after waving to her for the last time, i was still p much in denial.. i don't really know which hit me hardest, that i wasn't going to see her again, or that we could really only be friends and that was it.. maybe it was the latter one, but i'd rather like to think it's the former, coz the latter one may prob be God's will, but even then doing God's will can be v difficult.. i don't want to say it's all over but deep down in my heart, i prob know the odds of having something more than just being friends are stacked against me.. time to move on.. but it's so darn hard...

so that was what i was crying about.. the feeling of lostness, loneliness, and it was as hard as someone u know p well passing on.. i feel much better now as u should after that service.. it's like the Holy Spirit's given me a big teddy-bear hug.. regardless, it was a loss, a feeling of desperate loss right at the death, in stoppage time.. but at least it wasn't misfortune, but perhaps more like the ABs losing to the South Africans in the '95 Rugby World Cup Final only by a drop-goal... at least we got this far, and that's p good..